MEMOIRS OF A SINNER
Sex and Lies
It was her parents’ version of “the talk”. Her father started by saying, “She better not be having sex!” This was said in his normal mean and condescending tone. Her mother then asks her if she was still a virgin. It never even crossed her mind to be truthful with them. That’s not the type of home she lived in. So she lied. She figured there was no way they’d ever find out. She hadn’t even had sex since her first and that was long over. She never wondered what prompted the talk. She didn’t know that her actions were giving her away. Now that she was almost 14, she loathed the bulky pads she was given to wear during her monthly cycle. So for the last few months she had been sneaking her mom’s tampons. She could have asked her mom and discussed the hows and whys. But, that’s not the type of home she lived in. Had she asked, she would have known that a tampon will pop your cherry just as effectively as a penis. Sex and lies.
Time went by and she forgot about the lie she told. But lies, as she soon learned, have a way of colliding with truth. There was a boy (wasn’t there always?) who caught her attention. She flirted shamelessly, teased constantly, knowing where it would eventually lead. Something else she wishes she had known then, having sex at 13 doesn’t make you more mature. It simply makes you more of a target. The boy was 14 years old. There were no long phone conversations, no hand-in-hand walks. There was only a 14-year-old boy’s lust and an almost 14-year-old girl’s belief that sex would make him love her. She didn’t know then what she knows now. Sex and lies.
There was a school dance on a Friday night. They stood in a corner, his arms around her. She relished the looks they were getting. He was one of the most popular boys in school, which at that age also meant one of the most coveted. And he wanted her. He gave her all of his attention. He flaunted her. He, well, he played her. He did what most popular 14-year-old boys did…..played the game to win the prize. And this time, she was it. No one had ever talked to her about these things. She was never warned about the tricks, the lies, the game. She was also never told about self-respect. And no one ever talked to her about the importance of safe sex. She was a girl in a woman’s body with the maturity of a young woman but the knowledge of a child. The dance was at full swing and couples were breaking off to find more private locations. He leaned in close to her, pressing the full length of his body against hers. “I need you now.” This statement was accented by him sticking his tongue in her ear. She felt the now familiar throbbing as her body responded. They snuck away and walked to a secluded spot shrouded in shadow. He took off his jacket and spread it out for her to lie on. She never felt any incredulity at him wanting to sex her outside on the ground. Looking back she felt more ashamed for thinking how sweet he was for messing up his jacket for her. Oh, the hubris of the young! He laid her down, pulled up her skirt, pulled down his pants and got on top of her. He kissed her hard while his fingers roughly entered her. She accepted it all in silence, wanting only to please “her man”. He breathed heavily in her ear, “I don’t have a rubber but I’ll pull out.” She barely got the ok out before he plunged in. It was over in a few minutes. She didn’t enjoy it but still felt a misplaced sense of pride at being his girl. When they went back to school on Monday she could tell things were different. He still talked to her but she noticed that he was talking to a lot of girls. She wasn’t the one and he wasn’t “her man”. He just told her exactly what she needed to hear to get what he wanted. Sex and lies.
About a week later she began having stomach pain. It eventually got so bad that her mom took her to the emergency room. All the lies came tumbling down. She had contracted an STD. They sent her home with some antibiotics and a pamphlet about safe sex. In the car on the way home her mom told her, “I knew you were having sex. I knew it when my tampons started disappearing. But you looked me right in my face and lied. And now you let some boy give you something. You’re lucky you’re not pregnant!” She just stayed silent. What was the point in having a discussion about it all now? Everything she needed to know was learned the hard way. Something was forever lost that day. Their trust. Her naïveté. Her belief that her parents could guide her to adulthood. She was on her own. From that day on, her life was different. She was different. She was now aware of the relationship between sex and lies.